How to Rekindle Your Friendship After a Fallout | Relationships ...

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Use these tips to rekindle your friendship after a fallout

A few months ago, Mumbai-based clinical psychologist Hvovi Bhagwagar was approached by a 33-yearold MNC professional after a break-up had left him rattled. It wasn?t a split of the romantic kind. He had had a nasty fight with his best buddy of many years. ?Interestingly,? says Bhagwagar, ?he was going through a divorce at the same time. It wasn?t the end of his marriage but the end of his friendship, that made him seek help.? It?s not discussed often, especially when men are involved, but it?s not uncommon for adults to stop talking to friends whom they shared everything with. The reasons could vary. Bhagwagar?s patient had a fight with his friend while the two were discussion his turbulent marriage. Well acquainted with the gradual deterioration of his friend's relationship, the friend offered him his frank opinion ? you can?t blame your wife for everything that goes wrong in the relationship. Take some responsibility too.
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?He couldn?t handle the criticism and the fact that his friend wasn?t supporting him. They nearly came to blows, and cut off all contact,? she adds. While breaking up with a best friend is common across all age groups, the loss is more acute in adulthood, say psychologists. While in childhood, a friend often refers to just a playmate, in adulthood, friends equal family. ?When you are young, friendship is more about who you spend time with, but as you get older, friends are not merely people you speak to every day,? says psychiatrist Dr Samir Parikh. ?In fact, sometimes, you may not even talk to them every day. But they are your support system and offer unconditional, non-judgemental acceptance.?
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The bereavement in such a case equals the trauma faced at the loss of a family member or spouse. ?People invest as much in close friendships, whether it?s time or emotion, as they would in romantic engagements. And like marriages, these too are expected to continue for a lifetime.? Thus, when it?s the end, anger and frustration take over.

Patching up is tougher
Reconciliation among fighting pals is tougher than between family members because the ties are not legal or genetic. So it?s easier to make a complete break and not talk for years.

In the meantime, check out some tips to strike a balance between friends and a boyfriend.
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Intervention can help, though. In the case of the 33-year-old, therapy helped him understand that his reaction to his friend?s criticism was extreme. ?We realised through therapy that he had a problem in conflict resolution. This had slowly eroded his marriage and was responsible for the fight with his friend too,? says Bhagwagar.

When he offered an olive branch, the friend responded curtly, but her patient persisted. Eventually, they met, discussed the problem and buried the hatchet. ?His marriage was beyond repair, but at least he got back with his friend,? says Bhagwagar. A healthy relationship is one where friends aren?t afraid to disagree because they do it with the goal of coming to an understanding. ?They thrash things out so that their friendship remains a safe place where they can be themselves.?

Talk it out

Had a fight? Here?s a 4-step plan to patch up:

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1. Cool down and view the situation using both, logic and emotion. For instance, if your friend didn?t support you through a trying period, ask why. Perhaps there?s a genuine reason.
2. Begin conversing in the least awkward way: phone/email/text.
3. Gradually move to face-to-face communication. Set up a meeting only when ready.
4. Solve the problem. Apologise, confront and find a win-win option.

Foes, friends again?
The cold war between once best friends Shah Rukh Khan and Arjun Rampal began when Rampal began praising Salman Khan, with whom SRK shares a less than cordial relationship. Friends of the two actors ? who were spotted with each other often ? admitted that the two were avoiding each other at parties. But a few days ago, the two are believed to have made up at an awards function when SRK, on his way to his vanity van, spotted Rampal hanging out with Chunky Pandey, went up and hugged him.

Image courtesy: ? Thinkstockphotos/ Getty images

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